A letter to him.

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Where is he now? Is he happy? Is he smiling? Is he thinking about me? Does he miss me?

I miss you. I still feel like you’ll come and apologize and tell me how sorry you are. I have blamed myself for your death, you know that right? I feel guilty, I feel responsible. I said I would take care of you. I said I would protect you and here I am still moaning. I want to say sorry. My last words to you…they were lies. I didn’t mean them, how could you not have figured that out? I was angry and frustrated. Maybe If I didn’t say all those things…maybe if I thought twice before typing all those nasty comments…Things would have gone differently. Would you still be here? Would you still be working in that restaurant? Would you still make that little time in your busy schedule to talk to me?

Who were you? What did you sound like? What did you look like? How was your dressing sense? What colour were your eyes and your hair? How was your smile? Did you have perfect teeth? A weak body?  A healthy body? Did you have big feet? Was your skin soft as I imagine it to be?

I loved you, you mysterious boyfriend. I loved you and I always will. You understood me and you cared. It’s like you were created by my mind, like you were a figment of my imagination ..but, no. You were real. You were very much real. You loved me and I loved you. We kissed, We cared , We fought. I ran away from your death. I didn’t accept it. I wanted to know …How…How did you die, my lover ? What were you thinking before you decided to give up your life? What went through your mind? Who was causing you so much pain that you went ahead and took such measures to stop it.

I still pray and pray that you are alive. It doesn’t matter anymore. What your love meant or if  it was love. It doesn’t matter. I just want you to be alive. I don’t want to feel such guilt. I don’t want to suffer. I have tried…I have tried letting you go. But I’m not sure what to leave behind or what to throw away cause I have nothing with me. You just…left nothing behind.

I will never forget you.

I have grown. I have become wiser and smarter and a little bit more annoying. But I’m trying my best with everything , with myself , with my studies , with my surroundings , with the people I talk to . I’m trying to make it all right. I’m trying to live. I wish you were here to see how much I have grown. I strong I have become since you last talked to me. I understanding and thankful I am now.

Thank you for those months. I was loved and I loved every second of it.

 

I’m sorry. Goodbye.

Te Amo.

17-05-2017.

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