You see love is so dynamic that it’s never the same. In fact, love can be painful and extremely uncomfortable if you aren’t used to it and I’m not used to it. I believe that love and trust go hand in hand, that you can’t say you love someone unless you trust that someone and throughout my whole life I was never trusted.
I had people constantly look at me with these eyes of doubt – Dad, Mom…Myself? That I used to spend hours recollecting every hour of the past days and wonder where I went wrong and where did I lose their trust- because I was convinced that somewhere down the line, it was my fault, that I did something wrong and after years of thinking and trying to find an answer- I realised that you can’t break something you never had.
And no matter how many times over I told myself it didn’t matter, it did – To me, It did. It might not seem like it’s a lot – but to me, it was.
Now I am convinced I was never loved, up until now.
You see I have met these people that love me, so many people that the fingers of my hands aren’t enough to count them all and I knew that the love you receive from your family isn’t the only kind of love out there and I was given so much love that it actually made me suffocated. I wasn’t taught to breathe in such sweet air. In fact, no one ever told me anyone would ever love me like that.
I wasn’t told anything.
All that I was told was that I’m just a girl and I believed them.
I believed that I deserve no love and I know that that is so sad. That everyone deserves love, but it’s already in my head. I was told time over and over that I was a pain to people, that I am selfish, that I don’t deserve friends.
I don’t think I deserve your love, but I want it. I want my family- the family that I spent years building to know that I’m ever so grateful to have y’ll and I will never ever stop loving y’ll and trying to be a better friend.
I am constantly reminded by all of you that I’m not just a girl; that I’m something more and I’m going to stop thinking that I don’t deserve your love.
One day, I’ll shine so bright and prove y’ll right.I no longer feel unloved- I have been blessed with 100x the love I ever got. I no longer crave for love. I already have it all.